I had a dream last night that had me wake up a lot sadder than I have for a very long time. But before I get to the dream I suppose you’ll need a little background first. All of you gossip junkies that have been pestering me to reveal a little bit of my personal relationship history for a while should be happy now…so here we go…
I’ve only ever had one full-time bar wench (we’ll call her “Girl A”) which was many, many years ago and another that nearly got the gig (“Girl B”) but ultimately didn’t. But we won’t talk about her for the moment.
With “Girl A” it started out great as all these sort of things do. We instantly hit it off. In fact it was like a bolt of lightning for both of us and it was obvious that we were good together. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve never been happier.
But after about six months I started to change. I became selfish, lazy and complacent within the relationship and didn’t take the time or effort to maintain it or myself. I wasn’t nasty or anything like that. Looking back, I just thought by getting to the relationship stage that I didn’t have to do anything else and everything would take care of itself.
Over the course of the next six months I managed to drive her away (thanks to my complacency) and I honestly can’t say I blame her. To her credit and my eternal gratitude, she tried to stick it out. Even though I was young and thought I knew everything, the reality was that I’d become pretty pathetic.
But when it was over and it finally hit me that she was gone I was completely shattered. Truth be told I’ve never fully recovered and it probably explains why I’m an emotional cripple, even to this day.
Luckily we parted on good terms and she never stopped being a friend. For a very long time I thought if I changed and made a real effort I might be able to win her back. Although when she got engaged about twelve months later I realized that I had been kidding myself…and that hurt just as much as when she left.
Fast forward to a few months ago and I was mucking around on facebook when I saw her pop-up on chat. It was in fact (I realized) her birthday so I sent her a quick “happy birthday”. She was happy to hear from me and we chatted back and forth for a while. After a lengthy chat she asked for my number and then called me for an even longer chat.
I really hope she had a good phone plan because we talked for hours, mostly just talking garbage like we used to and catching up. It turns out she’s no longer married so I told her if she ever found herself back this way (lives a couple of hours away) to drop in for a look at The Mahi Mahi Room and maybe a few drinks. She thought that was a great idea and made plans to do so the next weekend.
Long story short, she ended up not being able to swing by for a visit but I told her that was ok and the next time she felt like it to give me a call.
Now before you jump up and down at me, yes, there was a tiny part of me that thought maybe, just maybe, I might have a shot at redemption here. And yes, I know that it would most probably be a bad idea.
But back to the dream…
I’ve dreamt about her before, actually on quite a few occasions, but not for many years. Last night was the first time I’ve dreamt about her for a very, very long time.
But when I woke up I was reminded of the mistakes I had made and the opportunity that I lost. The dream was actually very realistic and it took more than a little while after I woke up for me to accurately reconcile what was real and what was dream.
When I finally came to terms with dream vs reality I was more than a little depressed. It’s been a long time since I felt this way and being a glass half full kind of guy I figured there was a reason why I dragged this particular scenario out of my subconscious.
I thought about it for quite a few hours but since I’m a simple bartender and not a psychologist I actually have no idea what it really means. Maybe it has something to do with how I feel about “Girl B”…I don’t know.
Suffice to say the dream made me sadder than I have felt for a very long time and no amount of introspection seems to be able to change that.
The worst thing is that as I was writing this post I saw her pop up on chat again and being the nice bloke I am I thought it would be ok to say g’day again.
We had another quick chat but nowhere near as long as the previous time. Still it didn’t make the fact that I’d just dreamt about her any less painful.
As much as my dream was something I’d rather not have there’s still a part of me that would welcome the opportunity to catch up with her again. Not for any ulterior motives but purely because I genuinely enjoy talking to her.
I guess time will tell if we ever manage to catch up. Watch this space…